Everyone has two ears and one mouth. It might be common sense then that we need to listen twice as much as we speak, and yet that is rarely the case, at least not real listening. There is a difference in hearing what someone says and truly understanding and catching what the mean. This common breakdown in communication, hearing but not truly listening, is what Dr. Michael Nichols discusses and explains how to over come in his book, The Lost Art of Listening.

 Right off the bat Nichols hammers readers with a truth everyone has experienced, “Nothing hurts more than the sense that the people we care about aren’t really listening” (Nichols, 2009, p. 1). Even though most have experienced this hurt, it has not improved the vast majority of people’s true listening skills. This is sad. As Nichols says,” regardless of how much we take it for granted, the importance of listening cannot be overestimated (Nichols, 2009, p 6). The first part of the book, “The Yearning To Be Understood,” examines the desire everyone has for being understood. The three chapters take a look at the importance of listening and why it is important. It examines the interaction between the speaker and the listener and then dives into how breakdowns in communication come about.

The first chapter, “Did You Hear What I Said,” begins with examples of common complaints people express regarding communication between husbands and wives. This illustrates the frustration that comes from not feeling understood or taken seriously by those most important to us. A yearning to be understood and accepted. We are created to be social beings and therefore we desire to bridge the gap between others; to make a connection and us. Just as one desires to reach out to the other, the response can aid or hinder true communication and either allow the connection or hinder it. Therefore “the essence of  good listening is empathy” (Nichols, 2006, p. 10). Combining effort with intuition to make communication work is a necessity. It is this ability that allows bonds to form and connections to happen. This is hugely important. Nichols says, “When deeply felt but unexpressed feelings take shape in words that are voiced and come back clarified, the result is a reassuring sense of being understood and a grateful feeling of shared humanness with the one who understands” (2009, p.10). Therefore, knowing how to listen is key to having successful relationships. We all know it hurts to not be listened too and the author points out most of us think we are better listeners than we really are. We tend to take listening for granted. In spite of how basic listening seems, it as more than one purpose, “taking in information and bearing witness to another’s experience” (Nichols, 2009,p15).  This is what helps people grow up secure in them, having other people validate them and their thoughts as important, being taken seriously. Listening is not just hearing and offering reassurance that everything will be all right, it is actually making an effort to connect and understand why the speaker feels the way they do, showing sympathetic understanding (Nichols, 2009).

Listening is the most important aspect of counseling. Without it, there will be no real progress from sessions and no true connection between the counselor and the counselee. Listening will allow the counselor to catch what is the heart of the problem, not just what is being explicitly said. Sometimes, just listening and understanding can bring healing in of itself without any advice being given. Since helping people work through and deal with problems and issues in their lives, listening is the most important skill. Listening to the client, as well as listening to God’s direction regarding the advice to give.

The second chapter, “Thanks For Listening,” focuses on what connects people to each other and how listening helps to shape us. Nichols explains that, “striking a balance between expression (talking) and recognition (listening) is what allows us and the people we care about to interact as sovereign equals “ (Nichols, 2009, p.25).  Listening is a powerful force for change and in shaping peoples perspectives and relationships lies in the way it allows for shared expression, offering validation or contradiction. So the give and take is very responsible for how people perceive if they are being heard as well as becoming a part of how someone views himself or herself. The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” though often quoted as a shield against bad words unfortunately just isn’t true. Our deepest hurts and even the way in which we learn to view ourselves come from the words we hear from others. The author states that,”…self is not a given. Like having red hair or being tall, but a perspective on awareness, and an interpersonal one at that. The self is how we personify what we are, as shaped by our experience of being responded to by others. Character is formed in relationships and the vitality of the self depends on the quality of listening we receive” (Nichols, 2009, p. 27).  The author looks at how this develops throughout the life cycle of most people.

He lists the time  of this development between birth and two months as the “Here I am” This is when there begins to be an sense of oneself. An infant has needs that they cannot meet themselves, theses needs can only be met if the infant lets someone else know they need something. This is obviously displayed by the only vocalization a baby possesses, crying. This here I am, I need something is how a baby communicates all of it’s needs, even developing a particular culture with certain cries meaning certain things.  Attentive parents help develop this culture through the way in which they listen and respond to their infant. A parent cooing and speaking to a child in ways accrediting certain desires or reasoning behind a babies actions and cries. Obviously they have to be intuitive to their baby’s feelings to understand and meet their needs and desires (Nichols, 2009). Imagine how strong relationships would be if we stayed that attentive to everyone.     The author continues looking a the bonds with the “Hey Look At Me” (two to seven months) where the sense of a core self and autonomy is displayed. He explains that a confident child is developed through listening to the child. Again emphasizing how  the self is built up by the validation of those important in our lives and of course leaving the warning that the opposite would hold true (Nichols, 2009).

From a counseling perspective this is something very important to remember to utilize when dealing with my clients. Even though the connections were examined as in regards to certain ages, even adults adjust and reevaluate self-based on interactions with others. Husbands and wives find most problems arriving due to a communication problems. Being able to listen better will not only help in showing married couples how to interact with each other, but also in providing a safe place for them to tell their story and viewpoint, to discover where the problems exist. As Nichols puts it, “the feeling of not being understood is one of the most painful in human experience (Nichols, 2009, p. 41).  As a counselor, we need to help heal problems, not add to the pain by our own lack of listening and failure to understand. Therefore our own ability to listen in addition to being able to help others learn to listen better is paramount.

Why don’t people listen? A question that most people have probably asked at one time or another also serves as the title to the third chapter. This is where Nichols examines “How Communication Breaks Down” (Nichols, 2009, p. 42). The truth is, there are probably as many answers to that question as there are people who ask it. Being tired, having certain times in which you are ready to listen more than others, current events, what’s going on around you, etc. However, regardless of the distractions, we sometimes just need to put in an effort to communicate. Make an effort to listen is important as is making an effort to talk.  Relationships take investment, which includes investing in being a better listener. Assume people are worth the effort and worth the investment. “The truth is that we become more interesting when we assume interest on the part of the listeners” (Nichols, 2009, P. 44).

The author points out that sometimes the way communication has broken down is due to transference. This is where the speaker has projected certain expectations onto the listener. So many times people look at everyone around through  through lenses tinted by their own experiences and expectations that color everything they see a certain way, which may very well not be reality.  This can lead to what is heard not actually being what was said. This can be exasperated when both parties are doing this, which leaves no wonder why messages get confused and misconstrued leading to misunderstandings and feelings of not being understood. Throw in other possible breakdowns such as The listeners agenda, preconceived notions, emotions, not explicitly saying what is meant, gender differences, and etc., it is a miracle anyone ever understands anyone. This cliff hanger is where the author leaves the chapter , asking the question, “so why are we so sensitive to misunderstanding that we have trouble seeing the other person’s side of things?”  We must tune into the next chapter to discover his answer.

I found myself reading through this book and saying things to myself like,  “oh, I do that…yep, guilty…oh, so that is why she reacted that way.”  These chapters not only highlight the importance of listening for a counseling perspective,     but also I am seeing more deficiencies in my own listening ability that I hope to improve for my wife’s sake as well as other relationships in my life. I am looking forward to finishing this book and applying it to my life personally as it continually leads me to more self-reflection.

Stop back by for the review of the next three chapters…