Merriam-Webster defines listening as : to pay attention to sound; to hear something with thoughtful attention; to be alert to catch an expected sound. It is doubtful that anyone does not understand what listening means, and yet there is such a struggle to accomplish this task correctly. Michael Nichols book, The Lost Art of Listening, is sectioned out into four parts. The second part is titled, “ The Real Reasons People Don’t Listen.” Through chapters four, five, and six, Nichols takes a look at barriers to people’s ability to listen.

Chapter four, “When Is It My Turn?”, takes a look at what Nichols calls “the heart of listening” (Nichols, 2009, p.73). This chapter examines the battle everyone faces with ignoring their own needs and focusing on the needs of the speaker. This is not a passive style of listening, but truly finding empathy for the speaker. “The act of listening requires a submersion of the self and immersion in the other” (Nichols, 2009, p. 75). This is not easily done as it requires the listener to set aside their agenda, what they are hoping to accomplish, in order to fully hear what the speaker is saying. So there is a difference between having true interest and faking it. Nichols calls listening a burden. It is setting aside, for the moment, everything and giving your full, undivided, attention to the other. Holding your tongue, not thinking about what you will say next, and just listening. As Nichols puts it, “genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment-and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person” (Nichols, 2009, p. 77).

The interesting thing is from all of that you would think a totally selfless person would be a great listener, not according to Nichols. No one is perfect, the Bible is clear in the fact that we all fall short. This very reason comes into play due to the difficulty in sustaining selfless listening all the time and care is not taken, we can fool ourselves into thinking we are better listeners. Seeking to show empathy and connection with phrases such as ,” That reminds me of the time…”; “Oh how awful…”; or “well if I were you…” As well meaning as these seem, they are sending messages that say I can top that, that you pity the speaker, or just giving unwanted advice. The truth is, no one can be selfless all the time, and constantly putting their own needs aside. That isn’t healthy either and it can lead to a break down in communication due to our own hierarchy of needs not being met.

Nichols acknowledges this, “ a good listener may need to set aside his or her own needs to tune in to the other person’s but completely selfless people don’t make good listeners. You have to get listened to yourself to free you up to be receptive “ (Nichols, 2009, p. 81).

Nichols closes out the chapter by asking the question, “Do women listen differently than men?” The author points out the difference in his assertion regarding setting self aside to the ideas promoted by Deborah Tannen. Tannen gives a broad generalization for both sexes stating that “women engage in ‘rapport-talk’ while men specialize in ‘report-talk’” (Nichols, 2009, p. 91). Nichols does not seem to agree that the clash of due to gender differences is always inevitable and emphasizes the importance of listening with out bias. He states being listened to through others bias, and anxiety just leads the listener to feelings of loneliness, not being understood, and leads to alienation. “Those listeners who are more or less always in an unresponsive state find themselves shunned, often with no idea why. They never connect because they never cross the space between themselves and other’s” (Nichols, 2009, p. 93).

I found this an interesting look at differing views. Years ago I read You Just Don’t Understand : Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen and so am familiar with her ideas on genderlects. It was refreshing to hear someone else not buy completely into the gender stereotypes. I do understand there are obvious differences between men and women, and praise God for them. However I do not buy that certain things are a certain way in regards to our communication styles and personalities just because of our gender. I fear this mentality is at the heart of what we see going on with gender confusion because people relate more to one gender than the other therefore God made a mistake and they are in the wrong type body. I find how I approach communication depends on who it is with and my own past experiences. My wife, she thinks and does certain things more along the lines of what people might think a man would do. She certainly gets along with men much better and struggles to maintain friendships with women. I find myself moving with a more Rapport style communication with my wife. Constantly wanting to connect with her and wondering if everything is okay between us and working to keep it that way. This is a holdover from my previous divorce where I was blind sided that anything was even wrong and just came home to an empty house one day. I do not want to be oblivious and so strive to not make that same mistake. The reality is, I take the pendulum too far the other way and so make all new mistakes allowing my expectations to cloud our communications  this is not the desired outcome since communication is about building relationships and connections. So listening is hearing what the other is saying, not what you want or expect to hear.

“You Hear Only What You Want To Hear,” is the title of chapter 5, and makes a nice transition following the ideas of the previous chapter. Nichols focuses on how the listener’s attitudes and biases can distort what is actually being heard. People’s expectations make us hypersensitive. “The past is alive in memory- and it runs our lives more than we know” (Nichols, 2009, p. 101).  The way our families interacted teaches things such as how to overreact, to be distant. The way our past relationships, even in childhood, have played out trains us into certain patterns that can be transferred to other relationships and cause us to respond in ways that is not even appropriate to the given situation (Nichols, 2009). This leads him to saying “our parents may be the most important unfinished business in our lives” (Nichols, 2009, p. 104).  Our relationships can revert us back to adolescence or childhood when a wife is perceived as nagging and reminds the husband of the belittling and feelings of not measuring up he endured as a child. Nichols states we have sub personalities that create battling inner voices. It is important to remember that “calm fosters unity; conflict fractures it” (Nichols, 2009, p. 105).  It is useful to remember we all have these warring voices and to realize when a person reacts in away that does not make sense to the situation, it may be that they are reacting to the warring voices that have developed due to various experiences.

This is an important idea not only for relationships, but also especially in counseling. So many times what we may first see and experience with a client, whatever the problem is they have come to discuss, it may actually be the symptom and not the true heart of the issue. It will be important to notice and investigate what might be the reason behind certain outburst or feelings regarding situations in order to find the true culprit causing the problem so it can be dealt with and hopefully a workable solution applied. This is exactly the focus of the next chapter.

News Flash: Emotionality makes us defensive. Ok, that is not really breaking news to anyone, and yet it is a pitfall that constantly interrupts true listening. This is the topic of chapter 6, “Why Do You Always Overreact?!”  These emotions, when handled improperly, cause a breakdown in communication. Nichols explains it by comparing it to a radio saying, “Emotional reactivity is like throwing on a switch and having the electricity come on, and instead of music you get static. The static is anxiety” (Nichols, 2009, p. 111). Nichols again takes a look at the interaction between past memories and how we react and deal with present circumstances. Someone overreacting really only looks out of place to us because we can’t see the memories leading to this reaction (Nichols, 2009). All of these experiences build up and create the perspective in which we receive and judge things, which may or may not be a correct evaluation. Often times we are intolerant toward others in the very areas we find ourselves lacking and don’t want to tolerate. The author points out how “we can’t listen well to other people as long as we project the mistaken idea that parts of us aren’t good enough to be loved, respected, and treated fairly” (Nichols, 2009, p.116). This can be a leading cause of conversations becoming arguments. A reaction from one causes a reaction in the other and the next thing both are arguing and not really hearing anything the other is saying. Another cause of arguments is the idea of wanting to prove you are right and the other individual wrong.  If this continues, it will lead to disaster because “when neither party to an exchange is willing to break the spiral of reactivity, both are likely to end up feeling angry and misunderstood” (Nichols, 2009, p. 119).

Responsive listening is designed to help stop arguing. It works by hearing the other person’s side of the story before giving your own. As we all know, there are two sides to every story. This takes practice and self-control. It is not automatically assuming the other is right and just admitting you are wrong, but it is giving fair time to listen and hear what the other is saying instead of just repeating your own position to prove you are right. Some one has to break the pattern, “arguments are like ping-pong games: it takes two to keep them going” (Nichols, 2009, p. 121). Responsive listening is making the conscious decision to draw out the other person’s feelings prior to giving your own response ( Nichols, 2009).   Many factors can contribute to arguments including tone of voice, not feeling listened too, and certain hot topics, etc. it all boils down to what seems obvious at n objective distance,  good listening requires us to resist the urge to overreact, but that is where the struggle truly is, in the heat of the moment. Nichols encourages listeners by stating, “ facing encounters that raise your anxiety tests your maturity, strengthens you if you have the courage to stand fast and let matters unfold” (Nichols, 2009, p. 135).

This whole section spoke to me. I saw my many mistakes I make as well as examples in my own life and reactions that backed up the reality of how our past shapes us and creates our emotional responses that can effect our ability to listen.  A prime example was earlier this week I came home to an empty house,  I had beaten my wife home. She had sent a text telling me she was picking up the kids and so there was a change in our schedule. I felt instant anxiety rise up. Referring back to an incident I mentioned earlier regarding my divorce, I felt a bit of panic and worry. Even though I have been remarried for almost six years and it has been 10 years since my divorce, the fear of rejection and abandonment tried to raise its head.  Remembering 2 Corinthians 10:5, “…taking every thought captive,” I reminded myself this was not the same person, not the same situation, and I had nothing to fear. This is important to realize we have to take control of our thoughts not just to handle our own responses, but to truly be able to listen to others and this will be an important lesson that can help our clients as well.

Check back for the rest of the review…